Tips for Tough Conversations

At 5 by 5 Design we believe it’s possible to change the world by posing the right questions, listening to the honest answers, and following the path that emerges from the dialogue. Today’s discussion focuses on how to navigate tough conversations.

Beth Johnson is the owner of RedTail Communications, a company that helps teams and individuals uncover their strengths in order to improve their ability to have crucial conversations and thrive both personally and professionally. We’ve asked Beth a series of questions about how to best handle tough conversations, specifically within a professional setting. Here’s what she had to say.  

1. Why is it important to address difficult situations?

Because while some people are able to simply wash away concerns and feelings after a tough interaction, most of us don’t, and the uncomfortable feelings remain. Waiting for a long period of time makes returning to the topic more difficult and stressful.

2. Are there any tips, techniques, or processes you’d suggest for navigating tough conversations in a professional setting?

The number one rule for tough conversations is that you only have control over you and your own feelings. You cannot control how someone will respond; you can only be thoughtful and intentional about your purpose and how you will speak and respond.

We each bring our own baggage to any conversation, and while we may be very earnest in our intentions, we don’t know what the other person is thinking or feeling until we ask them. And yet, we often go into a conversation assuming we do know what the other person is thinking or feeling—based on our own baggage/life experiences. Until they tell you, you don’t know. So, the number two rule would be: don’t assume. Enter a tough conversation with set questions to get at what the other person is thinking and feeling.

Number three is to sit back and truly listen. When we are upset, feel wronged, and very much want to tell our side of the story, this can be so difficult to do. Planning who speaks first is something to discuss at the beginning of the conversation. If you think you’ll burst if you don’t get your points out first, then state that, while assuring the other person they will have a turn as well.

Beyond individual conversations, sometimes an organization needs to address a negative event or perception with the public. In this case, being transparent and honest is key.

3. Should you tailor your approach based on the personality of the individual you are having a tough conversation with?

Yes. The more you know about the other person, the more you can create a safe space where they feel comfortable.

Do they need time to process information? If so, an invitation to meet with the agenda and your purpose included will be helpful for that person.

Do they like to jump in and get things moving? That may suggest you’re only increasing their anxiety by allowing time ahead for them to ponder. A better approach for that individual could be to stop at their desk and ask for a minute.

As you plan the conversation, think about how the other person handles conflict, how sensitive they are to feedback, how strong your relationship is, and what your desired outcome is.

4. What are some common challenges organizations and individuals face or mistakes or missteps commonly taken when navigating tough conversations?

Job role and description often determine the person who is tasked with having a tough conversation, whether or not, they have the natural or learned skills to do it. We’ve all been in these situations when a poor communicator or a conflict-averse individual is trying to navigate a tough conversation. It’s not often helpful and can sometimes make things worse.

If a role will be tasked with managing people when things get tough, that role must include appropriate training on how to handle conflict. This training can determine the difference between someone leaving a meeting to update their resume or feeling heard and respected. We don’t expect all our dreams to come true at the end of such a conversation, but we do expect to be heard.

5. Who within an organization should be responsible for developing processes for handling internal and/or external confrontations?

Ideally, the leadership must be committed to a process for handling tough conversations and conflict. The impetus for the commitment often comes, appropriately, from human resources, or the managers who are responsible for teams. Again, training is essential for everyone who interacts with others. It’s not a technical skill but it is an essential life skill, with the added bonus of bringing those skills home to relationships with family and friends!